I’m killing time right now. Writing’s great for that. Sometimes the single most rewarding experience is to just let your thoughts flow onto a page. I’m going to be picking up my girlfriend from the airport in a little less than an hour. I just sent off an invoice for some work I’ve done.
I realize this blog has been a bit downbeat of late. It’s been a stressful couple months. There are ups and downs in life, and the fact of the matter, one of my best friends is shipping out into the military, my rent is about to double, business has been slow, I haven’t been enjoying the projects I have gotten, several projects I was very excited about fell through, and, of course, I’ve been balancing a long distance relationship in the middle of it all.
As the rather relevantly-named (except in the sense that I am quite happily alive) Dead American Writers put it, “It’s not one thing or the other, it’s all these things at once.”
Sometimes things get a little rough, which is okay. Somewhere along the lines I was taught or I learned to keep pushing, or maybe that’s who I am; it seems like I continuously gravitate to things that are difficult, and absent a challenge I find myself drifting, and I think I’ve always been that.
It doesn’t always work out. That’s the flip-side of seeking out honest challenges in life, that you fail now and then, and then fail all over again. It shows up in my career choices. I went after chemistry because it was one of the few subjects I ever felt was honestly challenging, science because so much is unknown and it’s the one place you can be right or wrong in absolute sense. Most my relationships have been. . . challenging. Even now, I’m dating someone who’s together and practically perfect — and just generally wonderful — and I’m faced instead with the challenge of how to make it work when we both move all over the place, all the time.
Now, I’m trying to support myself in a field where I have no background, training, or connections, but is statistically as competitive as professional sports, in one of the most challenging economic climates of the past century, with barely a damned penny to my name. What I do have is a strong network of friends and family to keep sane and grounded. I don’t think there’s anything in life quite so important as that. It’s not the only thing that matters, though. I live for those moments of solitude and challenge. I like hikes where I get caught in thunderstorms and end up with blisters and bleeding.
I think maybe that’s important, too; recognizing your weaknesses and making them strengths. I hate failing, and I can’t count the times I’ve dragged myself through mud, misery, and worse to reach goals I didn’t want, just because they were difficult.
From that perspective, I’m in a good place right now. A place where what I am isn’t quite good enough, and I have to be better, and I have to make sacrifices. So I apologize if I’ve seemed a bit morose. I’m still here, I’m still pushing, and if I’ve gotten some scrapes and some blisters over the course of the journey, or found myself stuck in a bit of a storm, well, I’m limping along, and I’m enjoying the rain.
I don’t know if that’s the right place to end this ramble, but I’ve got to go pick up a pretty girl from an airport, so that’s it for today.
Actually, I take that back. Life gets cold now and then, and the only way to get through is to stay close to things, be they jobs, hobbies, people, or causes, that light a fire in you.